Being Kind

I wasn't sure if I should post this or not. It's kind of vulnerable, and not that well-written, but I've left it for a couple of weeks and have decided to go ahead and post it. I decided to post it so people who think "man, Mira, you are so awesome to go and do what you do, it's amazing!" can see how NOT amazing I can be.

I have been going to do eye exams at a clinic run by Americans on a regular basis and this was written after a day at the clinic some time last month:

My "clinic"

I am such a jerk. Not trying to get empathy or have people say "no Mira, you are not"....I'm just wanting to say that God showed me today what a total jerk I can be. I didn't even know I was being a jerk. Sometimes I'm a jerk and I know it. Not this time.

I was actually feeling a little proud. Had managed to get to the clinic despite some student protests that caused crazy traffic and I was proud I had persevered and still showed up (albeit 20min late).

I had checked my attitude today. Different things that had gone through my mind in the past (which I knew I was being a jerk for) include: I don't even get paid for this....do you know how much I could make doing this in Canada? I am sacrificing my time and energy doing this, does anyone appreciate it? What's the point? Am I really helping or is this just something I'm doing to make myself feel better? Am I really changing things by doing these eye exams in this country?! Anyway, today, I had checked my attitude. I had prayed for love and humility as I saw patients. I truly wanted to help people and felt like I could make a difference.

Being in this totally different culture has many ups and downs.  Lots of things we still learn on a daily basis of what is proper and not. Sometimes, I don't really care what is proper. I just want to get things done and I get desensitized. I've had to tell countless people that their vision will not return or that they are going blind and there is not much to be done. I've had interesting reactions to this statement (sometimes through a translator as the person doesn't speak French or Fulfulde) and most of the time, it is indifference. Almost like they had no hope anyway and I was their last resort, at least they tried. What else can be done? Well I had to do it again today. I told a lady she had basically gone blind in one eye and the other was going to follow suit. I was such a jerk. I said it so matter-of-factly. And she started to cry. And I realized what a totally insensitive jerk I had been. And her loss of vision and her despair hit me. And my attitude and lack of empathy hit me. And I started to weep with her.  How could I be so cold? How will this loss of vision affect her life? She's the same age as me with probably a whole lot more kids. Is there anything else I can do? As we wept together, I asked her if I could pray for her. She agreed. She allowed me to pray and we just kept crying. That was how my day started. I still had a waiting room full of patients that wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help them. 

Lord have mercy. 

I made it through the day and have learned so much in just 8 hours. Have learned (again) that even if I can't do much here in this horrible system that lacks technology and basic necessities, I can show kindness. People are coming with hope and in need. The least I can do is try my best and be kind in response.